New page
by thecloudforest
I haven’t been able to write anything lately because there is such a distinct, chasm-like division between diary entries composed before my mom’s death and the blank pages that follow. I’m torn between feeling like the notebook I am using should be hidden away in a box or on a shelf, or bravely continued for the sake of, well, continuity. I’ve never been able to finish writing in a journal, front to back and this isn’t helping. The computer is slightly more kind. And less real.
I’m probably the most sensitive, irritable and impatient I’ve ever been.
I applied for community college again a few weeks ago and now the idea seems extremely unappealing. I applied for a bookstore job last night and hope they can’t smell the desperation coming off me in waves and are repelled by it. I still don’t know how these things work. I am always too much or never enough for someone.
I feel an often overwhelming need to get clean. I assume this is a common reaction, perhaps a bonus stage of grief.
the Cloud Forest 
Elisa, give yourself time to grieve. What you experienced with your mom’s death is something that takes time to heal. Things will never be the same, but they’ll get better.
A book that has been very helpful to me is Understanding Your Grief by Alan Wolfelt. He’s written many books on the subject and maybe one of them would be helpful to you.
You write very, very well. Keep writing. Pouring it all out on the page will help, too. Share it or don’t share it….whatever works for you.
It’s ok to be irritable, impatient and sensitive. It’s more than ok.
I think most of us who are sensitive are very prone to beating ourselves up. We expect to be perfect. You are ok just the way you are.
Take care.
I don’t really know what else to say except “thank you.” For both the advice and the compliment.