To Elisa, When you’re older

by thecloudforest

Dec. 21, 1988

To Elisa

I’m writing this for you to read when you are older — partly because I need an outlet and partly because I want you to know what you and I were like during this time. I always wondered about my mother’s and my relationship when I was small but my mother doesn’t go into detail much or probably doesn’t remember her little frustrations with me. I know over time I’ll forget too.

You are a very smart little girl with a mind of your own. You aren’t always difficult, in fact compared to others you are probably a very good little girl. It’s just those few times a day, a week, a month, that I just don’t know what to do, or I feel bad about the way I handled a situation. I have found myself yelling a lot, swatting your bottom a lot, doing things like that on impulse that make me not like myself very much afterwards. But a parent usually gets trapped into doing things that have worked in the past. It hurts me lately to see you escape from being punished by running away with your little hands protecting your behind. That’s what makes me think I’ve been swatting you too much. I feel as though I have to threaten you all the time to get you to do the smallest of things. The incident that has brought me to do this writing happened a little while ago. All I wanted you to do is go to the bathroom. I knew it must be about the time you’d have to “go.” I lead you to the bathroom and asked you to put your step stool next to the toilet so you could get up and sit on it. All of a sudden you put on your “weakness routine.”  “I can’t! It’s too hard!”

Now, Elisa, I’ve seen you do that simple task hundreds of times. I told you I know you can do it, but you insist you can’t. I get frustrated and yell, you get upset and cry. The more I say you can do it the more you insist you can’t. You pee on the floor. I don’t yell anymore. You are upset at yourself and me. I try to comfort you a little because I know you’re upset at the accident. But still I’m frustrated. Many times I try to explain to you why I am upset. I’m not sure you listen. Now I know you’re probably thinking, hey mom, I’m not even 3 years old at the time of this story. But, Elisa, your intellectual age is, or seems much older. You are a smart little girl. I can just imagine the times I’ll have with you when you get older. But beneath it all I am very proud of you and love you very much. I’m glad you have a mind of your own. I don’t want you to be a puppet. I just want to be a good mother. I know I’ll make mistakes. I know you’ll be naughty sometimes. I just hope what I do will help you to be the best “you” you can be.

You just came to the table with a Sesame Street magazine to read, saying you are going to do your “homework” too. That’s your favorite thing to do — read. You make up the best stories with some of the biggest words I’ve ever heard come out of a toddler’s mouth. We go to the library every two weeks to check out 10 books at a time. I usually only have to read each book to you one time and then you can entertain yourself for hours afterward, telling yourself the stories.

Well, I feel a little better now and will laugh about this later, thinking How could I get so upset about such trivial things compared to the things I’d face in the future?

I hope you enjoy this.

Love,

Mom